hold 'em close {a hard lesson in motherhood}

I've been debating about posting this as it shows me at a pretty raw moment in mothering. But I want to make this blog more of a place of encouragement and real-life stuff rather than only fun, surface level posts. I've been reading another blog lately that has really challenged me as a mom and wife and I really appreciate her writing and honesty. So I want to be upfront about the challenges of life while still sharing fun and pretty things as well. We will see how this turns out. {Also: Sorry for being MIA for so long....}
It happened about a week ago. I was rushing around in the morning trying to get ready for work while simultaneously trying to get O ready to go to his grandma's for the day. There's so much to do and I keep telling myself I'll prep more the night before but that just doesn't happen. We were both clothed and I was working on lunch for myself and snacks to send along with O when I snapped. Completely snapped.
I'd made breakfast, which he threw over the edge of his high chair spraying oatmeal across my dining room and up the leg of my clean pants. I cleaned up the mess with a paper towel because none of my cloths were clean and I'd changed. I took him out of his high chair and he just followed me around, crying and whining and throwing himself on the floor. I knew in my head it was typical toddler stuff but I was so done already. I was tired after not sleeping well and I just wanted to crawl back into bed while also wishing to escape to the office where things were easy, where I was good at what I do and where my child wasn't. I felt awful. But also relieved that it was almost 7:40 so we could start heading out. Then he proceeded to start pinching my legs as I tried to work around him and finally I stopped, looked down at him and yelled: "I am getting ready to spank you so hard!"
As soon as the words were out of my mouth I was so ashamed. He is one. He was so shocked by my outburst that he just crumpled to the floor and cried. I looked down at him, and my earthly self wanted to just walk away. I was so frustrated. But with some strength that was not of me, I bent down, swept him up in my arms and just hugged him so tight. I wanted him to know that I loved him and that he was safe. I hope he knew. He hugged me back and it was the best feeling in the world. I looked at the clock. 7:39. I decided that we just needed a minute. We sat on the couch and cuddled for five. It was worth it.
I couldn't believe what had just happened. I was so busy that I totally ignored what my child needed from me - just some love. A simple five minute snuggle and he would have been good to go. I probably could have got a lot more done if I'd just taken the time to hold him close. It was a lesson I won't forget - I'm trying to work in a little cuddling each morning, even if it's only for a few seconds. He mostly wants to "go go go" anyway. But I just want to take time out from the chaos of life to really love and be there. O is a pretty independent little guy but I know he still needs me when he lifts his small hands up towards me and rests in my arms when I pick him up. I am challenged to treasure these moments because I know they'll be gone without warning.
It also makes me thankful for the love of Christ and how it goes against all human understanding. Our sins make him so angry yet he sweeps us up and holds us close. He wants to be the place where we rest. I hope to be the outpouring of that incredible love on my own son because he doesn't know Jesus as his Saviour yet. How great a privilege that we as moms and dads have to show Jesus to our kids every day! Would I not take this lightly but be intentional in my interactions and turn to the Lord in all struggle.
He holds me tight so I can in turn hold my baby close in the midst of this crazy life.

anchors aweigh! {a birthday bash post}

Did you know that that's the right way to spell "anchors aweigh"? It's not "anchors away" like so many people write. I was blown away when researching "sailor terminology" for O's birthday party. (Yes, I am that nerdy mom.) We planned a nautical party for him (of course) and I had so much fun. Lots of things were Pinterest-inspired and I was happy with how it all turned out! Here's a look at our little man's big day …

Fishbowls and vases full of candy and treats for our guests. 

(I had wanted to tie all of them around but the fishbowls were a bit TOO round!)

This clever label is a copy from Pinterest. 

In case your'e wondering, this is how we got blue punch … er, Ocean Water.

Lemonade

Raspberry Lemonade Kool-Aid Mix 

(to make it blue)

Sprite

Mix to taste. 

(Read: my husband made it. I have no idea what sort of portioning he used.)

My ah-may-zing sister-in-law, Justine (who also hosted the party) 

whipped up this chalk art to welcome people.

When she said "I'll write 'Happy Birthday Oakley' …" I was NOT expecting this.

But it was incredible (and VERY much appreciated!)

I made this banner out of construction paper … I had originally planned to cut them into triangles, which is why they aren't square, but ended up liking the rectangle look.

I got those striped bunting banners off Pinterest too. Find them (along with other pretty printables) here.

He loved his cupcake smash. 

Too much. 

It was awesome.

I did a little photo shoot for his birthday.

It took SO long to get this picture because he was so busy just being crazy & bouncing the balloons out of the crib constantly.

Cupcakes!

Chocolate Recipe

White Recipe

Buttercream Recipe

The cupcake liners and toppers are from DOLLARAMA! Yes. You read right. 

My good friend Krista found them for me! 

I took a picture of Oakley every month for a whole year and displayed the pictures at the party. 

It was really cool to see them all together! 

I was so blessed by all the friends and family who came to celebrate with us. We had a good time visiting and eating and eating and eating. (I may have gone a bit overboard on the whole food thing.)

I know Oakley won't remember his first birthday but it was more a celebration for Jordan and I and a chance to show appreciation to those people who helped us through his first year. It was a bit over the top but I was super pleased with it and will probably tone things down for the next few years until he can have an "actual" birthday party with little friends whose parents I don't need to feed too! 

Thanks for taking our little birthday bash tour! 

Time, Expectations and Reality {a birthday-eve post}

Tomorrow is a day that I have been waiting for for an entire year. I have literally counted down months, days, hours. I've been making plans and dreaming of everything this day would bring.
Tomorrow my baby is one. A whole one year old. This year has been the most trying, exhausting, terrible, wonderful, amazing year of my life. Becoming a mom threw me into the steepest learning curve I've ever encountered and I experienced a lot of self-doubt and a lot of tears. But I also learned the joy of loving someone so deeply you would do anything for them, including losing sleep and sanity!
I'll be honest, I built up the one-year mark to be a huge beacon of hope ... when O was one, we would be sleeping twelve wonderful hours every night (we're not). When O was one, he would take a bottle - no problem - and I wouldn't have to nurse him anymore (I'm still nursing and pumping at work because he won't take anything else). When O was one, things would be easy, I'd have it all figured out (I don't). This isn't to be discouraging ... things that were hard when O was small ARE easy now, but each stage brings new challenges. I'm realizing that this "milestone" is just a part of the journey. Yes, it's exciting and wonderful and I look back on this year with awe and a sense of accomplishment. But it's not going to solve all our problems and I'm learning to be OK with that. If I have to pump every day at work for another month or two, I guess that's fine. Eventually things will work themselves out ... right?
If you're a new mom or preparing to welcome a little one into your family for the first time - take heart! Yes, it's difficult. I have not worked very hard at hiding that this year {maybe a little TOO open at times?} But it gets easier ... these struggles you're having now, whether that be feeding, sleeping, loneliness ... you'll learn to cope and you'll get through. I promise. This is coming from someone who honestly didn't know if she'd make it to her son's first birthday. Seriously. Those first months were a dark time for me. And maybe they aren't or won't be for you and that is GREAT. I'm thrilled for you. But if you feel like you're having an out-of-body experience and don't know if you'll ever find your way back to your old self - you're not alone. I want to encourage you and make sure you know that doing your best - even when it seems like you're failing - is all you can do. I'm still learning this lesson. But. I think I'm finally starting to believe it.
I am also starting to be able to look back on this year and see God's faithfulness, his hand in those hard times that carried me through and the lessons he wanted to teach me are beginning to surface. Lessons of selflessness, contentment, a posture of continual prayer before the Throne and a deep dependance on the One who knows my heart and knows exactly what I'm going through. Tough lessons that came through tough times, but I look at my little man and I'm so thankful.
I am truly blessed by this small dude - I love watching him grow and learn. It's such a fun journey. I want to go into this next year not wishing away each day. The days were long but the months flew. I know it's cliche, but enjoying each day and each stage is truly a struggle for me. I'm not a baby person. But he'll only be one once. He will never been one day, one week, one month again. And there are days I miss that time.
Anyway.
Tomorrow. O will be one. And I will take pictures and celebrate. And I'll prep for our big {possibly over-the-top?} party on Saturday. Because it's a big deal. But after Saturday, life goes on as usual. I will continue to work on getting O to drink cow's milk and sleep through the night. And pray. A lot.

Happy Birthday to my spunky, smiley, sweet little boy. We love you.

printed pants in the fall {a casual outfit post}

It snowed where I live today. Snowed. I feel like fall just got here and I was getting my wardrobe all switched over to light jackets and sweaters and riding boots. And now the reality that winter is just around the corner hit me square between the eyes. So sad. All those cute clothes will be hidden underneath heavy coats. Hopefully this first snow doesn't last long ... I haven't even got O a winter jacket yet!
I only have one pair of skinny (blue) jeans right now and often don't feel like wearing them everyday - I like to switch it up ... and also wash my clothes. So I had been wearing my red and tan skinnies off and on but was totally avoiding my floral printed pants. They are decidedly summery and in light of the snow, I wasn't feeling overly summery today. But while O was napping this morning and I got ready, I made the call to try and make my floral pants work for fall. I need more options for daily outfits ... the mom uniform of jeans and a tee worked for a while but I like to step it up a notch - especially with my return to work coming so soon! I really like layers, mixing patterns and being cozy which can be observed on my "Fashionology" pinboard. I kind of went crazy in that department. Anyway. Here's the outfit I came up with today for running errands ... which didn't actually happen because O ended up being super sick and just wanting to lay on the couch all day. I caught up on all my recorded shows and enjoyed the snuggles, but my poor little man was not himself! Hopefully tomorrow he will be back up and running.

Outfit Details:

Floral Pants - GAP

Cable Knit Sweater - Bluenotes 

Jean Jacket - Old Navy

Boots - Payless 

These boots are my amazing find of the season - I usually can't wear riding boots because of my calves. I wouldn't say they're big but they don't fit into most boots. These gems from Payless are "extended calf" - I can wear tall boots with a zipper AND still have room for boot socks! Dream = fulfilled. 

Bonus: I could even wear this in the snow and not be frozen (yet)! 

Nautical {a nursery tour}

I have wanted to post about my nursery since O was born ... I am so pleased with how it turned out & quite proud of my vision that came to fruition. But some kinks had to be worked out and I just needed to find the time to have it all clean, organized, picture-worthy AND be able to be in there for a while (read: when he's not napping - which seems like a lot/not enough all at the same time ...) So - nine months later, here it is. For you, Suzy.

Welcome! 

Crib close-up

Reading/Rocking Nook. {La-Z-Boy Rock/Recliner}
My sister made the pillow! 

The globe & lantern are from Value Village! Amazing finds! {Print & Shadow Box are DIYs)

This is a great change table. O is getting a bit big for it now but it's from IKEA if you're in the market.
{Baskets: Winners}

O's Blue Closet ... one of my favourite features of the room!
{Chalkboard boxes: Superstore}

DIY Magnetic Board 

DIY Atlas Pages Frame

My artsy sister did this up for O.
idea from here

My sisters went to Cali and brought this back for O. It's 18months and the shortest, widest onesie EVER.
So. In a frame it goes! 

Little shoes are so cute. His feet are finally big enough to fit them! 

DIY Nautical Flag Banner {BIG shout out to my SIL, Justine, who sewed the squares for me!}

Going through these pictures again I was just struck with how much love is in this nursery. So many people pitched in to bring it together and add the really meaningful little touches. We have one blessed little boy & I hope he will enjoy this room for years to come!