don't worry. {a lesson from the change table}

I had just fed the baby. I had changed the baby. I was trying to draft some semblance of a grocery list at the kitchen island while the baby contentedly gnawed on his hands in the swing in the living room. My two year old was happily emptying all his plastic cutlery into my kitchen aid mixer. (Where do they come up with this stuff?!) I felt a bit of peace in the day after what felt like an eternity of crying and bouncing and Curious George. All of a sudden the screaming started - I tried at first to ignore but it got more persistent so I went to the swing and swept him up in my arms. I immediately knew he was due for another diaper change. As I carried him to the change table set up in his room, with him crying all the louder, I whispered "I know what you need. Don't worry. I'll take care of you. You don't need to ever worry. Mom's got it all taken care of." I was kind of taken aback when those words resonated deep within my own heart. 

I often scream and kick and throw a fit when I need something from God. But I forget he already knows what I need and He's got it taken care of. I shouldn't doubt for a second that He will give me exactly what I need when I need it. Even in this season of life where I'm tired and exhausted and totally wiped when I wake up each morning, God knows what I need and He carries me. I've made it through two months already. I get overwhelmed when I think about the future, the next few months seem like a do-over I don't really want - baby life isn't exactly my favourite. But He carried me once, He'll do it again. It's so easy to forget but I want that truth to stick with me - to allow the peace of the Lord to settle in my heart and mind even in the times I think He's not hearing me. He is. May I rest in that truth. 

waiting {a post on patience and trust and contentment}

I wrote this post on Tuesday after a particularly hard night. I've been sitting on it all week, unsure if I should post it & making sure my heart still was aligned with what I said at the end. I still feel confident putting this out there as the desire of my heart. It's not for sympathy. Just want to record what God (and my husband) have been impressing on me in the waiting. 

It's been 46 days. Our condo has been sitting on the market for forty-six days. We've had five showings. 

Today I am 34 weeks pregnant with our second child. 

That means we have approximately six weeks to sell this condo and buy a new place. 

I'm stressed. I'm anxious. I'm feeling hopeless. 

I keep going over how we'll make it work if we don't sell on time. I cry when I think about it. We live in a fourth-floor walk-up. I know it's such a typical #firstworldproblems situation. But I still can't stop crying. Maybe it's the hormones. Yes. We'll say it's the hormones. 

I sat on my couch this morning after another sleepless night staring down at my Bible, frantically searching for some sort of reassurance from The Lord. My eyes and brain weren't connecting to the pages.

You know how stuff around your house gets so familiar that you barely notice it anymore? I made a wall hanging a few years ago that quotes a favourite verse from Habakkuk:

"Yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation." (3:18)

I glanced up and noticed it, for the first time in a while. YET. Yet. Three little letters with powerful gusto behind them. Jordan's been trying to tell me how I need to trust that things will work out. I've asked "How?" more times than I care to admit on the internet. I know God cares for his children - I know the promises of the Bible and the command to trust and to throw your anxieties on Him. But it's taking a lot of convincing my heart to truly believe. 

It's time for my head and my heart to connect. Timing isn't an issue for God. He's done a lot more amazing things than getting families moved out of their house "on time". 

I breathe in. I breathe out. I can't control who comes to see our place or when it will sell. But I can be content and joyful despite stressful circumstances. That's totally in my control because The Lord of my salvation has promised to take care of us. 

I will still hope for a quick sale and that we can find a new place before baby arrives - as unlikely as that seems - but I can't let this control my joy. It will be a daily decision but I want to learn how to do that well. I know it won't be an overnight transformation but my heart is open to change. 

in a flash {a motherhood moment}

This morning I had a moment where I realized how quickly time is passing. I peeked around the corner into the living room while I was making breakfast to see O building a train out of Duplo. When I peeked again he had it all put together and was pushing it around .. "choo choo!" 

How did he get so big? This was the baby that I thought would never sit up on his own ... And now he can open a box of Duplo, build a train and drag it around? What? 

This was the baby I brought home from the hospital and felt so overwhelmed by ... Now he's going to be a big brother. He's so caring and nurturing with babies and is such a big kid. 

I just stood there watching with this silly grin on my face. In the midst of the hard things that parenting a toddler brings, I treasured this sweet moment of progress and it felt wonderful. It hasn't been an easy road thus far but I am so thankful for this little boy and the adventure he brings wherever he goes. 

Cherish these tiny moments of joy - they're gone in a flash (as cliche as that sounds). Lesson learned today before breakfast. 

hold 'em close {a hard lesson in motherhood}

I've been debating about posting this as it shows me at a pretty raw moment in mothering. But I want to make this blog more of a place of encouragement and real-life stuff rather than only fun, surface level posts. I've been reading another blog lately that has really challenged me as a mom and wife and I really appreciate her writing and honesty. So I want to be upfront about the challenges of life while still sharing fun and pretty things as well. We will see how this turns out. {Also: Sorry for being MIA for so long....}
It happened about a week ago. I was rushing around in the morning trying to get ready for work while simultaneously trying to get O ready to go to his grandma's for the day. There's so much to do and I keep telling myself I'll prep more the night before but that just doesn't happen. We were both clothed and I was working on lunch for myself and snacks to send along with O when I snapped. Completely snapped.
I'd made breakfast, which he threw over the edge of his high chair spraying oatmeal across my dining room and up the leg of my clean pants. I cleaned up the mess with a paper towel because none of my cloths were clean and I'd changed. I took him out of his high chair and he just followed me around, crying and whining and throwing himself on the floor. I knew in my head it was typical toddler stuff but I was so done already. I was tired after not sleeping well and I just wanted to crawl back into bed while also wishing to escape to the office where things were easy, where I was good at what I do and where my child wasn't. I felt awful. But also relieved that it was almost 7:40 so we could start heading out. Then he proceeded to start pinching my legs as I tried to work around him and finally I stopped, looked down at him and yelled: "I am getting ready to spank you so hard!"
As soon as the words were out of my mouth I was so ashamed. He is one. He was so shocked by my outburst that he just crumpled to the floor and cried. I looked down at him, and my earthly self wanted to just walk away. I was so frustrated. But with some strength that was not of me, I bent down, swept him up in my arms and just hugged him so tight. I wanted him to know that I loved him and that he was safe. I hope he knew. He hugged me back and it was the best feeling in the world. I looked at the clock. 7:39. I decided that we just needed a minute. We sat on the couch and cuddled for five. It was worth it.
I couldn't believe what had just happened. I was so busy that I totally ignored what my child needed from me - just some love. A simple five minute snuggle and he would have been good to go. I probably could have got a lot more done if I'd just taken the time to hold him close. It was a lesson I won't forget - I'm trying to work in a little cuddling each morning, even if it's only for a few seconds. He mostly wants to "go go go" anyway. But I just want to take time out from the chaos of life to really love and be there. O is a pretty independent little guy but I know he still needs me when he lifts his small hands up towards me and rests in my arms when I pick him up. I am challenged to treasure these moments because I know they'll be gone without warning.
It also makes me thankful for the love of Christ and how it goes against all human understanding. Our sins make him so angry yet he sweeps us up and holds us close. He wants to be the place where we rest. I hope to be the outpouring of that incredible love on my own son because he doesn't know Jesus as his Saviour yet. How great a privilege that we as moms and dads have to show Jesus to our kids every day! Would I not take this lightly but be intentional in my interactions and turn to the Lord in all struggle.
He holds me tight so I can in turn hold my baby close in the midst of this crazy life.

taco rice bowl {in the kitchen}

On the way home from work the other day, I was trying to conjure up a new dinner dish using ground beef. Spaghetti and chili were getting a bit old and besides, Oakley doesn't like tomato sauce {seriously. What kid doesn't like spaghetti?!}. I really liked the idea of tacos but we didn't have any tortillas or shells so I started thinking about putting it over rice. I love rice bowls and I love tacos. A good combination, I'd say!

Here's what I did:

Ingredients - 

2 lb ground beef

1/2 onion

1/2 red pepper

2 cups chopped fresh spinach

1 cup halved cherry tomatoes

1/2 cubed avocado

1 cup diced cucumber

taco seasoning

1 cup cooked rice

ranch dressing 

salsa

Brown beef with onion and pepper. Season to taste with taco seasoning.

Meanwhile, start cooking rice. {Invest in a rice cooker if you haven't already ... it's my favourite kitchen appliance!}

While things are browning and cooking, chop spinach, tomatoes, avocado and cucumber. 

Put rice in bowl, spoon beef mixture over rice & top with veggies and desired sauce {if any}.

It was a healthy, filling supper that really turned out well!