Tomorrow my baby is one. A whole one year old. This year has been the most trying, exhausting, terrible, wonderful, amazing year of my life. Becoming a mom threw me into the steepest learning curve I've ever encountered and I experienced a lot of self-doubt and a lot of tears. But I also learned the joy of loving someone so deeply you would do anything for them, including losing sleep and sanity!
I'll be honest, I built up the one-year mark to be a huge beacon of hope ... when O was one, we would be sleeping twelve wonderful hours every night (we're not). When O was one, he would take a bottle - no problem - and I wouldn't have to nurse him anymore (I'm still nursing and pumping at work because he won't take anything else). When O was one, things would be easy, I'd have it all figured out (I don't). This isn't to be discouraging ... things that were hard when O was small ARE easy now, but each stage brings new challenges. I'm realizing that this "milestone" is just a part of the journey. Yes, it's exciting and wonderful and I look back on this year with awe and a sense of accomplishment. But it's not going to solve all our problems and I'm learning to be OK with that. If I have to pump every day at work for another month or two, I guess that's fine. Eventually things will work themselves out ... right?
If you're a new mom or preparing to welcome a little one into your family for the first time - take heart! Yes, it's difficult. I have not worked very hard at hiding that this year {maybe a little TOO open at times?} But it gets easier ... these struggles you're having now, whether that be feeding, sleeping, loneliness ... you'll learn to cope and you'll get through. I promise. This is coming from someone who honestly didn't know if she'd make it to her son's first birthday. Seriously. Those first months were a dark time for me. And maybe they aren't or won't be for you and that is GREAT. I'm thrilled for you. But if you feel like you're having an out-of-body experience and don't know if you'll ever find your way back to your old self - you're not alone. I want to encourage you and make sure you know that doing your best - even when it seems like you're failing - is all you can do. I'm still learning this lesson. But. I think I'm finally starting to believe it.
I am also starting to be able to look back on this year and see God's faithfulness, his hand in those hard times that carried me through and the lessons he wanted to teach me are beginning to surface. Lessons of selflessness, contentment, a posture of continual prayer before the Throne and a deep dependance on the One who knows my heart and knows exactly what I'm going through. Tough lessons that came through tough times, but I look at my little man and I'm so thankful.
I am truly blessed by this small dude - I love watching him grow and learn. It's such a fun journey. I want to go into this next year not wishing away each day. The days were long but the months flew. I know it's cliche, but enjoying each day and each stage is truly a struggle for me. I'm not a baby person. But he'll only be one once. He will never been one day, one week, one month again. And there are days I miss that time.
Anyway.
Tomorrow. O will be one. And I will take pictures and celebrate. And I'll prep for our big {possibly over-the-top?} party on Saturday. Because it's a big deal. But after Saturday, life goes on as usual. I will continue to work on getting O to drink cow's milk and sleep through the night. And pray. A lot.
Happy Birthday to my spunky, smiley, sweet little boy. We love you.
