hold 'em close {a hard lesson in motherhood}

I've been debating about posting this as it shows me at a pretty raw moment in mothering. But I want to make this blog more of a place of encouragement and real-life stuff rather than only fun, surface level posts. I've been reading another blog lately that has really challenged me as a mom and wife and I really appreciate her writing and honesty. So I want to be upfront about the challenges of life while still sharing fun and pretty things as well. We will see how this turns out. {Also: Sorry for being MIA for so long....}
It happened about a week ago. I was rushing around in the morning trying to get ready for work while simultaneously trying to get O ready to go to his grandma's for the day. There's so much to do and I keep telling myself I'll prep more the night before but that just doesn't happen. We were both clothed and I was working on lunch for myself and snacks to send along with O when I snapped. Completely snapped.
I'd made breakfast, which he threw over the edge of his high chair spraying oatmeal across my dining room and up the leg of my clean pants. I cleaned up the mess with a paper towel because none of my cloths were clean and I'd changed. I took him out of his high chair and he just followed me around, crying and whining and throwing himself on the floor. I knew in my head it was typical toddler stuff but I was so done already. I was tired after not sleeping well and I just wanted to crawl back into bed while also wishing to escape to the office where things were easy, where I was good at what I do and where my child wasn't. I felt awful. But also relieved that it was almost 7:40 so we could start heading out. Then he proceeded to start pinching my legs as I tried to work around him and finally I stopped, looked down at him and yelled: "I am getting ready to spank you so hard!"
As soon as the words were out of my mouth I was so ashamed. He is one. He was so shocked by my outburst that he just crumpled to the floor and cried. I looked down at him, and my earthly self wanted to just walk away. I was so frustrated. But with some strength that was not of me, I bent down, swept him up in my arms and just hugged him so tight. I wanted him to know that I loved him and that he was safe. I hope he knew. He hugged me back and it was the best feeling in the world. I looked at the clock. 7:39. I decided that we just needed a minute. We sat on the couch and cuddled for five. It was worth it.
I couldn't believe what had just happened. I was so busy that I totally ignored what my child needed from me - just some love. A simple five minute snuggle and he would have been good to go. I probably could have got a lot more done if I'd just taken the time to hold him close. It was a lesson I won't forget - I'm trying to work in a little cuddling each morning, even if it's only for a few seconds. He mostly wants to "go go go" anyway. But I just want to take time out from the chaos of life to really love and be there. O is a pretty independent little guy but I know he still needs me when he lifts his small hands up towards me and rests in my arms when I pick him up. I am challenged to treasure these moments because I know they'll be gone without warning.
It also makes me thankful for the love of Christ and how it goes against all human understanding. Our sins make him so angry yet he sweeps us up and holds us close. He wants to be the place where we rest. I hope to be the outpouring of that incredible love on my own son because he doesn't know Jesus as his Saviour yet. How great a privilege that we as moms and dads have to show Jesus to our kids every day! Would I not take this lightly but be intentional in my interactions and turn to the Lord in all struggle.
He holds me tight so I can in turn hold my baby close in the midst of this crazy life.