It's been a long couple of months for this mama. We are down to one vehicle because my husband got in an accident (not his fault ... He's okay!) back in early spring with our second vehicle, which we were actually borrowing from his parents, and is a whole other level of unfortunate, but something that doesn't need to be hashed out here. He leaves early in the morning and is off right as nap time ends so, all this to say, I'm at home all day, every day, without a car. At first it was exciting and refreshing, it was nice to have an excuse to stay home, rest, get stuff done. But now I'm all "get me OUTTA here!!" Being one-on-two with a toddler and baby is fun, exhausting and sometimes completely draining. I know that this motherhood thing is a calling of honour, and one that shouldn't be taken lightly but some days I'm just done with it, to be frank and completely honest. I work one day a week outside the home and it's been good but it's also been hard. I feel torn between two worlds, where I'm needed differently in each but one is so much more important and eternal.
I often hit the pillow at night thinking one or all of these things:
1 - WHEN does this get easier?
2 - HOW do I do this better?
3 - is it even worth it to sleep? I could get so much done between now and M's first wake-up ... (I usually do decide to sleep, which is wise, since I turn into the Wicked Witch of the West when I'm low on sleep. Also a contributing factor to the whole weariness in motherhood thing?)
Tonight we got home from work, fed the kids and got them to bed ... All I wanted to do was collapse on the couch and watch ... The show I've been binge watching lately ... (it's Reba, okay? Don't judge me.) but I was drawn outside to my deck where the air was a wonderful temperature and I could sip tea without feeling hot or it going cold right away. I lit my citronella candle (because the mosquitoes this year are like BIRDS - seriously. They. Are. Huge!!) and opened my Bible. I usually do my quiet time during the boys' nap but evenings are a lot more relaxed because I know that, usually, they are down for a good stretch unlike nap time which is becoming increasingly unpredictable these days! And on Wednesdays I obviously am not home for nap time, I'm usually knee deep in some possession day prep for next week's turnovers around that time.
I didn't read anything that spoke to any of my specific "issues" right now or seemed like a perfect fit for what I'm "going through" (side note, I went to hear a missionary from Africa speak last Saturday ... I don't feel like I can seriously say I'm going through anything when there aren't huge poisonous snakes lurking outside my house ...) but I finished the book I was reading and felt refreshed. Like a breath of air had filled up my weak and collapsed lungs and I was ready for the next couple days of being at home until Jordan gets home for the weekend. I was just so thankful that God's Word can do that, breathe life into dry and weary bones ... Even when you're not searching for anything in particular. Thank goodness He knows what I need. And this isn't to say that I've got this thing cased or won't ever fall into a slump or feel weary of persisting on in this mom life. But I feel confident in my God who will strengthen me and renew me when I just can't go on by myself. He's faithful and even though right now I can't see where He's going or taking me with this part of my life, I know that He is trustworthy.
A few weeks ago I was reading during my quiet time after a particularly awful morning with my kids and he brought me to this verse in Galatians, which has become my theme verse and is the background on my phone as a constant reminder:
"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." 6:9
Trying to remind myself to not give up, it'll be worth it in the end. Another thing I've decided to start doing is keeping a gratitude journal, to keep my perspective and focus in the right spot.
Today, I am so grateful for:
My support system of amazing family and wonderful friends. I always have someone to turn to when I'm feeling down or need a listening ear. I truly do have a village to raise these boys and I am so thankful.
For times of refreshment on my deck after bedtime.
And for a sweet little snippet of time to blog about it too ;)
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