sit {a quick post, as is any kind of sitting in this house}

I'm posting this today from my bed, under my covers, in the dark, in the middle of the day. I just woke up from a nap because - happy dance - the boys finally fell asleep at around the same time.

It's been one of those days ... Okay, weeks ... Where I've had a ton of "I can't do this" moments. I don't know why (I don't even really know how to define "this") but that very vague thought crosses my mind often. I know it's meant to ruin me, to test me and to convince me that a lie is true and that makes me even more tired than I already am. Battles of the mind are tricky ones and today, more than anything I just wanted a break from the crying and whining ... Oh, and that of the boys too! 

But right before nap time, we were all just hanging out in the living room. I love it in there because the sun comes in our big window and lights up an otherwise dim place. It's peaceful and sparse (as much as it can be with babies and toddlers around) and I was sitting there cross-legged just enjoying being with my babes. I snapped a picture because I wanted to remember that there truly are moments where I CAN do this. Where I enjoy this quickly passing time that everyone talks about but that some days can also feel like I'm trudging through molasses with a baby strapped to me and a two year old around my leg asking for treats. Even if it's not glitz and glam like all those Instagram accounts I follow (why do I do that to myself?) it's our tiny little adventure and I truly want to do it well. So maybe this is just a reminder to myself to sit ... To stop running around all the time and just drive toy cars over M's tummy or load them onto the trailer for O. And to keep fighting the battle, as hard as it may be, because it's worth it in the end.  

I'm just thankful for times to recharge {in the dark in the middle of the day} and hit the refresh button. Can I get a WHOOP WHOOP for nap time? I think we can all agree - it's the bomb-dot-com. 

terrariums {a "green thumb" post}

I've been seeing terrariums all over Pinterest these days and thought they looked so beautiful. After reading a couple tutorials on building your own, I decided it would be easy enough. So. I loaded up my boys and off to the Rona garden center we went! 

I got one of those cool carts that looks like a car but is pretty much impossible to steer, especially through the tiny garden center aisles. 

I found succulents and cacti and some soil that said "cactus" on it but that's where my success stopped. Charcoal was listed as a MUST as was sand and I couldn't find either. I was late for dinner at my parents' so I took my cacti, checked out and headed off, thinking I'd be back to find my charcoal. 

Well. Let me tell you. After two more trips (both Jordan and I went looking) I was feeling like my cacti were a waste of money. 

I did a bit more research and found out that I'd been looking in the wrong spot all along. Charcoal can be found at ... Wait for it ... 

THE PET STORE. Are. You. Kidding. Me. 

So I whipped over to Petsmart and found it all - charcoal (cleverly disguised as carbon), sand, moss. Everything a girl could want to build a terrarium. 

I had the rocks and fish bowls at home. Should have checked the size of the fishbowls first. But it worked out OK. Jordan and I built three tonight while catching up on Blue Bloods and even though they're not exactly what I was envisioning, they're pretty cute. We will have to do the other two another time when we have another container but for now I'm so happy to have some live greenery in my house. It adds something special in the middle of winter. 

However, our basement carpet now needs a super good vacuum! 

 

bag dump {a full on mom post}

Having two kids is going better than expected. I'm not a total mess (although I do have my days...) and O adapted pretty well to having M around. But boy oh boy do they need a lot of stuff. Especially both being in diapers.

One thing that I really love is having a well-stocked diaper bag. I have some essentials and some things that are nice to have. But with two kids there's a lot more to "stock" in there. So today I'm opening my diaper bag for all to see. I'll give you my "must-haves" and fill you in on the products I like best (not that I'm any sort of expert). Plus - who doesn't like seeing inside someone else's bag? I know I do. We're all snoops. Just admit it. 

My diaper bag is full to the brim - so much so that I'm wondering if I need a bigger one. Is that ok? To buy a bigger bag for more stuff? Or do I cut down on stuff? I'm a chronic over-packer so cutting down on the stuff I haul around scares me a little. We'll see ... I have a feeling the bigger bag will win out. Jordan even said I could get this one by Lily Jade. I'm undecided if it's worth the investment. Anyway. 

First off - a good bag that you will like toting everywhere. Mine is Coach (a gift from Jordan after O was born) and is pretty basic. Big pocket inside with a few little side pockets plus the two bottle holders on the outside. Does the job. 

Diapers & wipes (obviously) - Dollarama sells those Pampers 20-pack of wipes for $1.25!! I always pack WAY more diapers than I need. Maybe that's OK. 

Nursing cover, burp cloth & receiving blanket. My nursing cover is Bebe au Lait and I just use receiving blankets from Wal-Mart. I like the Bebe au Lait because it has the wire around the top so you can see what's going on in there without having to lift the cover. Very helpful for those first few weeks. 

Swaddling blanket - I always have an Aiden and Anais swaddler with me for on-the-go napping. I prefer the bamboo ones for the diaper bag because they are less stiff and take up less room than the regular muslin ones that I use at home. 

Change of clothes and drool bib for M. Just something simple in case of emergency (read: blowout). The drool bib was a gift and is Mom's Care. They come in packs of three and are SO cute. Right now it's nice to put one on M when we are out and other people are holding him - they catch spit-up really well! 

Water bottle & snacks for O. This. Is. Crucial. I cannot go anywhere without him asking for a snack. I usually bring the trifecta: yogurt covered raisins, granola bar & an apple sauce squeeze pack.  That will usually get us through a grocery shop. 

Baby Tylenol. Because that stuff rules. I should have bought stocks in it before having kids. And you never know when someone will be in need. 

Lip balm & gum. I usually do a three-point check before leaving the house. Teeth brushed? Make-up on? Deodorant? And, let's be real, I'm usually missing one of them. These little guys help me in time crunches! 

Sock-bun Donut. A gift from my sister in law. But again. Sometimes you just can't get everything in before leaving the house. This is basically a quick, pulled together hair-do on the go! 

Wallet & coupons (in the grey pouch). I'm just starting with the coupons but I think it'll come in handy for those times where we need to grab something quick. 

Mommy hook. This thing is a life saver. Go get one, even if you aren't a mom! 

Pens. They play a plethera of roles. But it's important to carry at least one! 

Hand sanitizer. (Again - obvious.) 

Extra soothers (in the soother pouch). For times when you lose THE one (or a friend needs one ... Had that happen before). 

Not pictured: bags for dirty diapers when you're not by a proper disposal site. Essential. And a changing pad. And band-aids. 

There you have it! Everything I take with me on a daily basis. If you ever need something - I probably have it! 

don't worry. {a lesson from the change table}

I had just fed the baby. I had changed the baby. I was trying to draft some semblance of a grocery list at the kitchen island while the baby contentedly gnawed on his hands in the swing in the living room. My two year old was happily emptying all his plastic cutlery into my kitchen aid mixer. (Where do they come up with this stuff?!) I felt a bit of peace in the day after what felt like an eternity of crying and bouncing and Curious George. All of a sudden the screaming started - I tried at first to ignore but it got more persistent so I went to the swing and swept him up in my arms. I immediately knew he was due for another diaper change. As I carried him to the change table set up in his room, with him crying all the louder, I whispered "I know what you need. Don't worry. I'll take care of you. You don't need to ever worry. Mom's got it all taken care of." I was kind of taken aback when those words resonated deep within my own heart. 

I often scream and kick and throw a fit when I need something from God. But I forget he already knows what I need and He's got it taken care of. I shouldn't doubt for a second that He will give me exactly what I need when I need it. Even in this season of life where I'm tired and exhausted and totally wiped when I wake up each morning, God knows what I need and He carries me. I've made it through two months already. I get overwhelmed when I think about the future, the next few months seem like a do-over I don't really want - baby life isn't exactly my favourite. But He carried me once, He'll do it again. It's so easy to forget but I want that truth to stick with me - to allow the peace of the Lord to settle in my heart and mind even in the times I think He's not hearing me. He is. May I rest in that truth. 

waiting {a post on patience and trust and contentment}

I wrote this post on Tuesday after a particularly hard night. I've been sitting on it all week, unsure if I should post it & making sure my heart still was aligned with what I said at the end. I still feel confident putting this out there as the desire of my heart. It's not for sympathy. Just want to record what God (and my husband) have been impressing on me in the waiting. 

It's been 46 days. Our condo has been sitting on the market for forty-six days. We've had five showings. 

Today I am 34 weeks pregnant with our second child. 

That means we have approximately six weeks to sell this condo and buy a new place. 

I'm stressed. I'm anxious. I'm feeling hopeless. 

I keep going over how we'll make it work if we don't sell on time. I cry when I think about it. We live in a fourth-floor walk-up. I know it's such a typical #firstworldproblems situation. But I still can't stop crying. Maybe it's the hormones. Yes. We'll say it's the hormones. 

I sat on my couch this morning after another sleepless night staring down at my Bible, frantically searching for some sort of reassurance from The Lord. My eyes and brain weren't connecting to the pages.

You know how stuff around your house gets so familiar that you barely notice it anymore? I made a wall hanging a few years ago that quotes a favourite verse from Habakkuk:

"Yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation." (3:18)

I glanced up and noticed it, for the first time in a while. YET. Yet. Three little letters with powerful gusto behind them. Jordan's been trying to tell me how I need to trust that things will work out. I've asked "How?" more times than I care to admit on the internet. I know God cares for his children - I know the promises of the Bible and the command to trust and to throw your anxieties on Him. But it's taking a lot of convincing my heart to truly believe. 

It's time for my head and my heart to connect. Timing isn't an issue for God. He's done a lot more amazing things than getting families moved out of their house "on time". 

I breathe in. I breathe out. I can't control who comes to see our place or when it will sell. But I can be content and joyful despite stressful circumstances. That's totally in my control because The Lord of my salvation has promised to take care of us. 

I will still hope for a quick sale and that we can find a new place before baby arrives - as unlikely as that seems - but I can't let this control my joy. It will be a daily decision but I want to learn how to do that well. I know it won't be an overnight transformation but my heart is open to change. 

in a flash {a motherhood moment}

This morning I had a moment where I realized how quickly time is passing. I peeked around the corner into the living room while I was making breakfast to see O building a train out of Duplo. When I peeked again he had it all put together and was pushing it around .. "choo choo!" 

How did he get so big? This was the baby that I thought would never sit up on his own ... And now he can open a box of Duplo, build a train and drag it around? What? 

This was the baby I brought home from the hospital and felt so overwhelmed by ... Now he's going to be a big brother. He's so caring and nurturing with babies and is such a big kid. 

I just stood there watching with this silly grin on my face. In the midst of the hard things that parenting a toddler brings, I treasured this sweet moment of progress and it felt wonderful. It hasn't been an easy road thus far but I am so thankful for this little boy and the adventure he brings wherever he goes. 

Cherish these tiny moments of joy - they're gone in a flash (as cliche as that sounds). Lesson learned today before breakfast. 

hold 'em close {a hard lesson in motherhood}

I've been debating about posting this as it shows me at a pretty raw moment in mothering. But I want to make this blog more of a place of encouragement and real-life stuff rather than only fun, surface level posts. I've been reading another blog lately that has really challenged me as a mom and wife and I really appreciate her writing and honesty. So I want to be upfront about the challenges of life while still sharing fun and pretty things as well. We will see how this turns out. {Also: Sorry for being MIA for so long....}
It happened about a week ago. I was rushing around in the morning trying to get ready for work while simultaneously trying to get O ready to go to his grandma's for the day. There's so much to do and I keep telling myself I'll prep more the night before but that just doesn't happen. We were both clothed and I was working on lunch for myself and snacks to send along with O when I snapped. Completely snapped.
I'd made breakfast, which he threw over the edge of his high chair spraying oatmeal across my dining room and up the leg of my clean pants. I cleaned up the mess with a paper towel because none of my cloths were clean and I'd changed. I took him out of his high chair and he just followed me around, crying and whining and throwing himself on the floor. I knew in my head it was typical toddler stuff but I was so done already. I was tired after not sleeping well and I just wanted to crawl back into bed while also wishing to escape to the office where things were easy, where I was good at what I do and where my child wasn't. I felt awful. But also relieved that it was almost 7:40 so we could start heading out. Then he proceeded to start pinching my legs as I tried to work around him and finally I stopped, looked down at him and yelled: "I am getting ready to spank you so hard!"
As soon as the words were out of my mouth I was so ashamed. He is one. He was so shocked by my outburst that he just crumpled to the floor and cried. I looked down at him, and my earthly self wanted to just walk away. I was so frustrated. But with some strength that was not of me, I bent down, swept him up in my arms and just hugged him so tight. I wanted him to know that I loved him and that he was safe. I hope he knew. He hugged me back and it was the best feeling in the world. I looked at the clock. 7:39. I decided that we just needed a minute. We sat on the couch and cuddled for five. It was worth it.
I couldn't believe what had just happened. I was so busy that I totally ignored what my child needed from me - just some love. A simple five minute snuggle and he would have been good to go. I probably could have got a lot more done if I'd just taken the time to hold him close. It was a lesson I won't forget - I'm trying to work in a little cuddling each morning, even if it's only for a few seconds. He mostly wants to "go go go" anyway. But I just want to take time out from the chaos of life to really love and be there. O is a pretty independent little guy but I know he still needs me when he lifts his small hands up towards me and rests in my arms when I pick him up. I am challenged to treasure these moments because I know they'll be gone without warning.
It also makes me thankful for the love of Christ and how it goes against all human understanding. Our sins make him so angry yet he sweeps us up and holds us close. He wants to be the place where we rest. I hope to be the outpouring of that incredible love on my own son because he doesn't know Jesus as his Saviour yet. How great a privilege that we as moms and dads have to show Jesus to our kids every day! Would I not take this lightly but be intentional in my interactions and turn to the Lord in all struggle.
He holds me tight so I can in turn hold my baby close in the midst of this crazy life.