refreshed {a post from my mommy heart}

"But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

It's been a long couple of months for this mama. We are down to one vehicle because my husband got in an accident (not his fault ... He's okay!) back in early spring with our second vehicle, which we were actually borrowing from his parents, and is a whole other level of unfortunate, but something that doesn't need to be hashed out here. He leaves early in the morning and is off right as nap time ends so, all this to say, I'm at home all day, every day, without a car. At first it was exciting and refreshing, it was nice to have an excuse to stay home, rest, get stuff done. But now I'm all "get me OUTTA here!!" Being one-on-two with a toddler and baby is fun, exhausting and sometimes completely draining. I know that this motherhood thing is a calling of honour, and one that shouldn't be taken lightly but some days I'm just done with it, to be frank and completely honest. I work one day a week outside the home and it's been good but it's also been hard. I feel torn between two worlds, where I'm needed differently in each but one is so much more important and eternal.

I often hit the pillow at night thinking one or all of these things:

1 - WHEN does this get easier? 

2 - HOW do I do this better?

3 - is it even worth it to sleep? I could get so much done between now and M's first wake-up ... (I usually do decide to sleep, which is wise, since I turn into the Wicked Witch of the West when I'm low on sleep. Also a contributing factor to the whole weariness in motherhood thing?)

Tonight we got home from work, fed the kids and got them to bed ... All I wanted to do was collapse on the couch and watch ... The show I've been binge watching lately ... (it's Reba, okay? Don't judge me.) but I was drawn outside to my deck where the air was a wonderful temperature and I could sip tea without feeling hot or it going cold right away. I lit my citronella candle (because the mosquitoes this year are like BIRDS - seriously. They. Are. Huge!!) and opened my Bible. I usually do my quiet time during the boys' nap but evenings are a lot more relaxed because I know that, usually, they are down for a good stretch unlike nap time which is becoming increasingly unpredictable these days! And on Wednesdays I obviously am not home for nap time, I'm usually knee deep in some possession day prep for next week's turnovers around that time. 

I didn't read anything that spoke to any of my specific "issues" right now or seemed like a perfect fit for what I'm "going through" (side note, I went to hear a missionary from Africa speak last Saturday ... I don't feel like I can seriously say I'm going through anything when there aren't huge poisonous snakes lurking outside my house ...) but I finished the book I was reading and felt refreshed. Like a breath of air had filled up my weak and collapsed lungs and I was ready for the next couple days of being at home until Jordan gets home for the weekend. I was just so thankful that God's Word can do that, breathe life into dry and weary bones ... Even when you're not searching for anything in particular. Thank goodness He knows what I need. And this isn't to say that I've got this thing cased or won't ever fall into a slump or feel weary of persisting on in this mom life. But I feel confident in my God who will strengthen me and renew me when I just can't go on by myself. He's faithful and even though right now I can't see where He's going or taking me with this part of my life, I know that He is trustworthy. 

A few weeks ago I was reading during my quiet time after a particularly awful morning with my kids and he brought me to this verse in Galatians, which has become my theme verse and is the background on my phone as a constant reminder:

"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." 6:9

Trying to remind myself to not give up, it'll be worth it in the end. Another thing I've decided to start doing is keeping a gratitude journal, to keep my perspective and focus in the right spot. 

Today, I am so grateful for:

My support system of amazing family and wonderful friends. I always have someone to turn to when I'm feeling down or need a listening ear. I truly do have a village to raise these boys and I am so thankful. 

For times of refreshment on my deck after bedtime. 

And for a sweet little snippet of time to blog about it too ;) 

sit {a quick post, as is any kind of sitting in this house}

I'm posting this today from my bed, under my covers, in the dark, in the middle of the day. I just woke up from a nap because - happy dance - the boys finally fell asleep at around the same time.

It's been one of those days ... Okay, weeks ... Where I've had a ton of "I can't do this" moments. I don't know why (I don't even really know how to define "this") but that very vague thought crosses my mind often. I know it's meant to ruin me, to test me and to convince me that a lie is true and that makes me even more tired than I already am. Battles of the mind are tricky ones and today, more than anything I just wanted a break from the crying and whining ... Oh, and that of the boys too! 

But right before nap time, we were all just hanging out in the living room. I love it in there because the sun comes in our big window and lights up an otherwise dim place. It's peaceful and sparse (as much as it can be with babies and toddlers around) and I was sitting there cross-legged just enjoying being with my babes. I snapped a picture because I wanted to remember that there truly are moments where I CAN do this. Where I enjoy this quickly passing time that everyone talks about but that some days can also feel like I'm trudging through molasses with a baby strapped to me and a two year old around my leg asking for treats. Even if it's not glitz and glam like all those Instagram accounts I follow (why do I do that to myself?) it's our tiny little adventure and I truly want to do it well. So maybe this is just a reminder to myself to sit ... To stop running around all the time and just drive toy cars over M's tummy or load them onto the trailer for O. And to keep fighting the battle, as hard as it may be, because it's worth it in the end.  

I'm just thankful for times to recharge {in the dark in the middle of the day} and hit the refresh button. Can I get a WHOOP WHOOP for nap time? I think we can all agree - it's the bomb-dot-com. 

don't worry. {a lesson from the change table}

I had just fed the baby. I had changed the baby. I was trying to draft some semblance of a grocery list at the kitchen island while the baby contentedly gnawed on his hands in the swing in the living room. My two year old was happily emptying all his plastic cutlery into my kitchen aid mixer. (Where do they come up with this stuff?!) I felt a bit of peace in the day after what felt like an eternity of crying and bouncing and Curious George. All of a sudden the screaming started - I tried at first to ignore but it got more persistent so I went to the swing and swept him up in my arms. I immediately knew he was due for another diaper change. As I carried him to the change table set up in his room, with him crying all the louder, I whispered "I know what you need. Don't worry. I'll take care of you. You don't need to ever worry. Mom's got it all taken care of." I was kind of taken aback when those words resonated deep within my own heart. 

I often scream and kick and throw a fit when I need something from God. But I forget he already knows what I need and He's got it taken care of. I shouldn't doubt for a second that He will give me exactly what I need when I need it. Even in this season of life where I'm tired and exhausted and totally wiped when I wake up each morning, God knows what I need and He carries me. I've made it through two months already. I get overwhelmed when I think about the future, the next few months seem like a do-over I don't really want - baby life isn't exactly my favourite. But He carried me once, He'll do it again. It's so easy to forget but I want that truth to stick with me - to allow the peace of the Lord to settle in my heart and mind even in the times I think He's not hearing me. He is. May I rest in that truth. 

hold 'em close {a hard lesson in motherhood}

I've been debating about posting this as it shows me at a pretty raw moment in mothering. But I want to make this blog more of a place of encouragement and real-life stuff rather than only fun, surface level posts. I've been reading another blog lately that has really challenged me as a mom and wife and I really appreciate her writing and honesty. So I want to be upfront about the challenges of life while still sharing fun and pretty things as well. We will see how this turns out. {Also: Sorry for being MIA for so long....}
It happened about a week ago. I was rushing around in the morning trying to get ready for work while simultaneously trying to get O ready to go to his grandma's for the day. There's so much to do and I keep telling myself I'll prep more the night before but that just doesn't happen. We were both clothed and I was working on lunch for myself and snacks to send along with O when I snapped. Completely snapped.
I'd made breakfast, which he threw over the edge of his high chair spraying oatmeal across my dining room and up the leg of my clean pants. I cleaned up the mess with a paper towel because none of my cloths were clean and I'd changed. I took him out of his high chair and he just followed me around, crying and whining and throwing himself on the floor. I knew in my head it was typical toddler stuff but I was so done already. I was tired after not sleeping well and I just wanted to crawl back into bed while also wishing to escape to the office where things were easy, where I was good at what I do and where my child wasn't. I felt awful. But also relieved that it was almost 7:40 so we could start heading out. Then he proceeded to start pinching my legs as I tried to work around him and finally I stopped, looked down at him and yelled: "I am getting ready to spank you so hard!"
As soon as the words were out of my mouth I was so ashamed. He is one. He was so shocked by my outburst that he just crumpled to the floor and cried. I looked down at him, and my earthly self wanted to just walk away. I was so frustrated. But with some strength that was not of me, I bent down, swept him up in my arms and just hugged him so tight. I wanted him to know that I loved him and that he was safe. I hope he knew. He hugged me back and it was the best feeling in the world. I looked at the clock. 7:39. I decided that we just needed a minute. We sat on the couch and cuddled for five. It was worth it.
I couldn't believe what had just happened. I was so busy that I totally ignored what my child needed from me - just some love. A simple five minute snuggle and he would have been good to go. I probably could have got a lot more done if I'd just taken the time to hold him close. It was a lesson I won't forget - I'm trying to work in a little cuddling each morning, even if it's only for a few seconds. He mostly wants to "go go go" anyway. But I just want to take time out from the chaos of life to really love and be there. O is a pretty independent little guy but I know he still needs me when he lifts his small hands up towards me and rests in my arms when I pick him up. I am challenged to treasure these moments because I know they'll be gone without warning.
It also makes me thankful for the love of Christ and how it goes against all human understanding. Our sins make him so angry yet he sweeps us up and holds us close. He wants to be the place where we rest. I hope to be the outpouring of that incredible love on my own son because he doesn't know Jesus as his Saviour yet. How great a privilege that we as moms and dads have to show Jesus to our kids every day! Would I not take this lightly but be intentional in my interactions and turn to the Lord in all struggle.
He holds me tight so I can in turn hold my baby close in the midst of this crazy life.

Time, Expectations and Reality {a birthday-eve post}

Tomorrow is a day that I have been waiting for for an entire year. I have literally counted down months, days, hours. I've been making plans and dreaming of everything this day would bring.
Tomorrow my baby is one. A whole one year old. This year has been the most trying, exhausting, terrible, wonderful, amazing year of my life. Becoming a mom threw me into the steepest learning curve I've ever encountered and I experienced a lot of self-doubt and a lot of tears. But I also learned the joy of loving someone so deeply you would do anything for them, including losing sleep and sanity!
I'll be honest, I built up the one-year mark to be a huge beacon of hope ... when O was one, we would be sleeping twelve wonderful hours every night (we're not). When O was one, he would take a bottle - no problem - and I wouldn't have to nurse him anymore (I'm still nursing and pumping at work because he won't take anything else). When O was one, things would be easy, I'd have it all figured out (I don't). This isn't to be discouraging ... things that were hard when O was small ARE easy now, but each stage brings new challenges. I'm realizing that this "milestone" is just a part of the journey. Yes, it's exciting and wonderful and I look back on this year with awe and a sense of accomplishment. But it's not going to solve all our problems and I'm learning to be OK with that. If I have to pump every day at work for another month or two, I guess that's fine. Eventually things will work themselves out ... right?
If you're a new mom or preparing to welcome a little one into your family for the first time - take heart! Yes, it's difficult. I have not worked very hard at hiding that this year {maybe a little TOO open at times?} But it gets easier ... these struggles you're having now, whether that be feeding, sleeping, loneliness ... you'll learn to cope and you'll get through. I promise. This is coming from someone who honestly didn't know if she'd make it to her son's first birthday. Seriously. Those first months were a dark time for me. And maybe they aren't or won't be for you and that is GREAT. I'm thrilled for you. But if you feel like you're having an out-of-body experience and don't know if you'll ever find your way back to your old self - you're not alone. I want to encourage you and make sure you know that doing your best - even when it seems like you're failing - is all you can do. I'm still learning this lesson. But. I think I'm finally starting to believe it.
I am also starting to be able to look back on this year and see God's faithfulness, his hand in those hard times that carried me through and the lessons he wanted to teach me are beginning to surface. Lessons of selflessness, contentment, a posture of continual prayer before the Throne and a deep dependance on the One who knows my heart and knows exactly what I'm going through. Tough lessons that came through tough times, but I look at my little man and I'm so thankful.
I am truly blessed by this small dude - I love watching him grow and learn. It's such a fun journey. I want to go into this next year not wishing away each day. The days were long but the months flew. I know it's cliche, but enjoying each day and each stage is truly a struggle for me. I'm not a baby person. But he'll only be one once. He will never been one day, one week, one month again. And there are days I miss that time.
Anyway.
Tomorrow. O will be one. And I will take pictures and celebrate. And I'll prep for our big {possibly over-the-top?} party on Saturday. Because it's a big deal. But after Saturday, life goes on as usual. I will continue to work on getting O to drink cow's milk and sleep through the night. And pray. A lot.

Happy Birthday to my spunky, smiley, sweet little boy. We love you.